NOT SATIRE. I searched the Epstein Files. For real. This is not satire. Please note, of course, that there are millions upon millions of files and none of the findings here suggest any wrongdoing.

The Rempels of Abbotsford plant to celebrate Valentine’s Day in style this weekend by ordering the very cheapest items on the menu at Ricky’s. “Oba, I guess no Brekkie-bowl for me,” said Mrs. Rempel, ...

Millions of Americans were visibly upset this weekend after they had to sit through the Super Bowl’s first ever all-Plautdietsch halftime show. “Nobody understood a word of it,” said President Donald ...

For those looking for an alternative halftime show to either Bad Bunny or Kid Rock, the Fresno Central Mennonite Church is inviting guests to listen to their choir this afternoon. “We felt that Kid ...

Blue Jays staff have been working overtime getting Rogers Centre in tip top shape for their opening day tilt against the Baltimore Orioles. Most pressing for the staff was cleaning up the hundreds of ...

A trucker’s convoy-worth of sunflower seeds are on their way to Toronto this week to meet the demand of baseball fans in the GTA. “We’re basically just having them dump it in Sankofa Square,” said ...

After rolling out a test run at primary schools in Miami, Florida this week, the White House announced plans to provide every school in the country with a dairy cow and a Mennonite milk maid. “The ...

I used to do this annual quiz on the Daily Bonnet and I figured it was time to return to that tradition. So here it is, the annual news vs. satire quiz. Perfect to occupy your time while everyone else ...

After months of controversy and debate, Dolphin School Trustee Pete Caflib has finally convinced his local school division to bring back the Royal Anthem. “Yeah, so I picked up a bunch of 45s from the ...

Butch and Suni have finally returned home, after nine long months trapped in conversation at the Klassen’s doorway in the tiny Mennonite town of Rosthern, Saskatchewan. “There’s always a risk when you ...

It may have been temporarily paused for now, but this week the White House announced a 87% reciprocal tariff on all penguins, including hockey superstar Sydney Crosby. “Yeah, well I guess this is what ...

Not to be outdone by FIFA, the Nobel committee has just come up with a new soccer award, specifically designed for the world’s top demagogues and/or soccer players. The first recipient will be none ...